Not The Target Market

Acyrologia: Out of the Backwaters and into the Mainstream

I have been pondering the definition of a backwater, and I have decided that a backwater is a place where the local TV stations have supposedly college educated kids (who all look about 12 years old) reading the news and weather.

When they have the script in front of them, these kids cannot pronounce even simple words properly, nor can they use common words correctly when they (mistakenly) go off script.  In addition, they have no sense of rhythm.  Rather than allowing the meaning of the text to guide their pauses, they decide that a pause every fourth or fifth word will do.  I won’t mention the giggles, the uptalk (ending every sentence with rising intonation) or the vocal fry (the rough, popping sounds coming out of the speaker’s vocal cords – think Kardashian speech.)

According to several articles I read on these linguistic tics, I should be severely chastised for noticing (and disapproving) all this.  All it means is that I am old, not that these kids have anything to learn.  If that is true, then what it really means is that the race to the bottom has just accelerated to light speed.

While these musings were in progress, the one and only GOC (Glamorous Older Cousin) sent me this highly descriptive definition of the nightly assault on my ears.  I don’t know where she saw it; all I can say is that it is brilliant and about sums up my mood.  If you find “acyrologia” too much to get your brain around, think malapropism.  It’s the same thing.


An incorrect use of words – particulately replacing one word with another word that sounds similar but has a diffident meaning – possibly fuelled by a deep-seeded desire to sound more educated, witch results in an attempt to pawm off an incorrect word in place of a correct one. In academia, such flaunting of common social morays is seen as almost sorted and might result in the offender becoming a piranha, in the Monday world, after all is set and done, such a miner era will often leave normal people unphased. This is just as well sense people of that elk are unlikely to tow the line irregardless of any attempt to better educate them.

A small percentage, however, suffer from severe acyrologiaphobia, and it is their upmost desire to see English used properly. Exposure may cause them symptoms that may resemble post-dramatic stress disorder and, eventually, descend into whole-scale outrage as they go star-craving mad. Eventually, they will succumb to the stings and arrows of such a barrage, and suffer a complete metal breakdown, leaving them curled up in the feeble position.

To hear acyrologia in action, tune into your local nightly news.  Your best chance to hear examples will be if you live in an area served by an airport with no direct connections to anywhere you need to go.  However, as I have been reprimanded by my betters for noticing things like acyrologia and vocal fry, I expect that before too much longer, these “miner eras” will be found just about everywhere.

In the meantime, I will be the one drooling into my copy of Jane Austen’s collected works while curled up in “the feeble” position.

Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

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